Hey folks, I posted some of this in response to a friend's struggles with dating...  hopefully the editing/generalizing makes sense...  Nate

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Ever felt like an outcast?  Ever felt like everyone else must have it easier than you?  Especially when it comes to dating?

I'm not going to tell you that my dating experience is the same as yours, because I don't really know what life is like in your shoes... but let me share what's it been like for me.

I am lucky enough to look like and fit in with the "mainstream" gay crowd.  I'm male; white; not overweight; not a model, but attractive; employed; have an SUV; etc....  On the outside, it seems like life should be super easy for me because I fit into expected stereotypes pretty well, right?

But look, finding the one person to spend your life with isn't as easy as finding a new outfit or changing your look.  It's (most likely) not an automatic event for most people... even the "normal" ones.  ("normal" is a figment of your imagination!)

I came out in 1999 at 21 years old...  had an international email/phone relationship that never materialized beyond email/phone... dated a guy in another state and saw him twice...  had numerous weekend flings that fizzled out when I (or him) sobered up...  I've tried match.com, gay.com, bars, churches, etc.............

Some of that may sound "fun" or "glamourous" even... but remember that I was just a guy looking for love... and doing anything I could to get a glimpse of it.

About four years ago, I went home with a guy and moved in a few months later... thinking I had found "the one."  We had a very difficult two year relationship.  A lot of pain, hurting each other, and unneccessary drama.

After leaving him, I realized that he wasn't the problem... and I wasn't either.  We just didn't take the time to get to know each other before making the relationship "permanent."  I didn't really know who I was, what was important to me or what kind of guy I was really looking for.  I tried to make it work for two dark years.

I hadn't really learned my lesson at that point and was still pretty casual about my dating and sexual habits.  I continued to play the "hook up and see if it works out" game.

Until... (by this time I was back in church)  I ran into a guy I had hooked up with and immediately discarded because he wasn't "on my level."  He had actually come to church one day and he saw me.  I knew he was hurt... and that I had caused that hurt.

I made a committment at that point to be responsible for my behavior AND my committment to follow Christ's command when he said to "love your neighbor as you love yourself."  I was no longer going to cause that kind of harm in other people's lives.

Compassion is wanting God's best for others and to be willing to do anything to make that happen.  -- Even giving up meeting your personal desires(sex) and needs(intimacy/love).

Maybe you were/are like I was... using people to meet your needs & desires.  Or maybe you are one of those who, like a lot of people tell me, that are the ones who continually get teased, used and then discarded.  And they end up blaming these other guys/gals for being users, abusers, etc.

Really taking on a committment to be compassionate & loving will bring an end to using & taking advantage of others... if that's what you've been doing.  Read further to hear how I made this change...

And I know sometimes, if it seems you're always the one getting dumped on, it might be easy to think that this entire debacle is out of your control... but...

What I want you to consider is the possibility that you have some responsibility in the way you are being treated because of how you think/feel about yourself, your dating behavior and what you let other people get away with doing to you.  I'm not saying anyone's behavior is justifiable-- at all, but you will never be able to control someone else's behavior, only your own.

What can you do to become responsible for your dating behavior?

What can you do to become responsible for finding someone who meets your needs & desires?

What can you do to become responsible for becoming someone who can meet the needs & desires of your partner?

Read "If the Buddha Dated."

Read "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting."

Do the Landmark Forum www.landmarkeducation.com

Do some work on yourself with a therapist.

Get dating advice from married couples.

Spend time in prayer about God's plan for your life.  Ask God what kind of man you are created to become.  Ask God to lead you to the woman/man who will help you blossom as you help him/her grow at the same time.

Dream.  Spend time each day imagining what your best life is going to be like.  What will your wife/husband be like?  Will you have kids?  Where will you live?  What will your relationship be like?

Remember that God's plans for you ARE for good.  If there's a mess in your life, maybe it's a learning experience or maybe you're out of God's plan for your life.  Listen to the voice of the Spirit.

When the enemy brings doubt, fear, feelings of unworthiness, depression, etc... be very clear that those things are not of God and ARE NOT TRUE.  Jesus said the enemy comes to steal, kill & destroy, but He came so you could have LIFE, more and better life than you ever dreamed possible!

Honor yourself as a child of God.  Set limits and boundaries with other people.  Do not tolerate unloving or unkind behavior to continue against you.  Don't let those actions get you down or make you upset--because they are ONLY reflective of the person doing them.

After doing these things & more, I ended up being abstinent for a year.  (yes, you CAN still be gay/lesbian and be abstinent... it won't kill you...  )  Of course, I didn't make a vow or pledge to not have sex, because those don't work... but I DID make that committment to be loving & compassionate in my dating life.  I made a conscious choice to be more concerned about God's heart for the guys I was going out with as oppossed to being concerned with what I wanted from them.

And, yes, it was difficult.  We've all been lonely, bored, or the hormones have been in hyperdrive... and then you're on a date with this attractive & energetic person who is maybe in the same place(or worse) as you and is willing do to whatever is on your mind in order to meet one of their needs.

Anytime that little voice started speaking in my spirit, I chose to listen.  As a result, I know I avoided some huge mistakes.  I avoided hurting some precious guys.  I avoided hurting myself.  More importantly though, by honoring myself as a precious and valueable child of God... I honored the other guy the same way.  That is the essence of compassion and what it means to be a Christian:  Love God and love your neighbor/friend/date/partner AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

You are so precious to God, dear ones.  Honor God's love for you by simply accepting and believing it.  Let an awareness of God's love guide your thoughts and your actions.

May the God of Love bring you into the Light of peace & compassion.  May you know that Love in a new way.  And may you extend your hands to everyone you meet and bring them into the same Light.

love,

Nate

P.S.  After several years of ignoring the call of God, I decided to start visiting seminaries and get serious about ministry.  I went to a weekend visit with about 40 other prospective students to a Methodisty seminary.  One beautiful guy there kept distracting me and I was telling God "I'm not here looking for a man, I'm here to prepare for ministry!"  But one thing led to another... very slowly, I might add, and now I am incredibly blessed to be in a wonderful relationship with a man who is more than I even hoped to ask for...  His name is Robert H. and he is my partner in ministry, my lover, my friend.  He encourages me, challenges me, and laughs at me...

Love is worth waiting for, my friends.  Wait for God's best for you!  xo Nate