I wrote it on livejournal last night, and I would like you to read this. :)

Comments are appreciated.

*sigh* Today was weird. I am not sure why, but everything feels like so inscrutable. I try to understand the most of the things in my life, actually as of now what is really going in my life. I do not understand why people think I am beautiful and pure. I do not understand why I have the purity inside me. But yesterday, I got a compliment from a GCN-er, and he said to me...Little sister, you will never understand what an awesome creation you are. That hitted me so much in different ways. I realized that it is not necessary to understand myself because if I try to understand now, I probably will not to understand how wonderful or beautiful or pure I am. And that is okay with me.

As long as I understand some things about myself, then it is enough good for me. I mean, most people do not understand themselves until they are in 30s, or 40s. One day I was only fifteen years old, and I was in the therapy for different reasons. For one, I was depressed because I was molested. It took me two years or so to finish that therapy. I finally told her that I was able to stop deveaste myself and able to understand that a part of me must feel being valued and cherished because if I hurt myself, the whole part of me have to hurt for me. I was hurt because I hurt myself. And I was miserable. I see that my feelings and my mind is connected. And when they connect, it is most beautiful thing. It really is. But most people would not connect them, because they would not let them to do so. And she told me that she was so proud of me because it is most difficult to understand for anyone who is being molested. And most people would not understand until they are in 30s or 40s because they would be in denial or confusion. And she told me that I was brave to try to overcome this obstacle. But really, it made me to realize....that I am fortunate to know and understand some things that are hard to understand in life. And I am quite happy with that.

Sometimes I do like to think that I am complicated. I am Bi-sexual (like girls better), I am Christian, and I am Deaf. A world like this, it is rare to find people who are like me. I struggled hard a lot in my life because I wanted to be normal. But the thing is that I was not. And I am pretty unique in most cases. I wanted to be straight because I thought it would be so easier. I wanted to be hearing because it would be so easier for me to learn better in life. But it was not true. I learned that no matter who I am, I always will learn. I found that whatever I went through in my life, they taught me far more than I could ever have. If I was hearing, I would not be what I am today. And yeah, I am complicated. And I am sure you wonder why...Here are...

I do not have the characteristics that most hearing people have. They are original the most of the times, you know? They hear same things everyday. They listen to same things everyday. They know sounds. They hear many things in this life, but for me...I could not ever imagine to live in a hearing world that all people hear. Sitting on the computer, I hear nothing. It is so quiet. It is like no sounds and no voices at all. And you know, I could not hear the most of the things in life. I do not hear what people say out the world. So what do I do? I work harder. I learn about the world by talking, reading, and listening people. And sometimes deafness does have its own complexion - they have their own textures, appearances, and characters. Deaf people are most visual and creative. With their own deafness in them, they are unique. They see with their eyes differently that most hearing people will not. And they make their own appearances and characters about themselves, because they use expressions and feelings to show that who they are. I know hearing people do speak their voices to represent who they are, but it is different. Deaf people do sign. And it is beautiful.

A long ago, I tried everything to be straight, or whatever I want to fit in the society. But the thing is, I never will. And no, my sexuality is not misplaced. I came to be who I am. I mean, I have dated so many boys in elementary school, but I never really liked them. And when I met Marnie, I fell in love with her at the age of eleven. And she was the most beautiful girl I saw. I did not know how or why I did. But I loved her. She changed my life. She made me realize that girls make me feel wonderful. And those boys cannot do that to me. And yes, I tried to feel all the things with Richie, but it was different. It still was a love, but it was not a love that I wanted them to be. Yes, I call myself a Bi-sexual because I still think boys are cute. And I can imagine myself being with them if I allow myself to, but it will not be same. I will love them, but in a different sense. And I will adore them. I prefer girls. It feels fair. I can love them just same as while they can love me back too. I can love them the whole, while I cannot with a boy. It is complicated, really. Sexuality is a complicated thing for me. I think for most people who are dealing with their sexuality, it is hard to understand. Even today, I still have a hard time to understand, but I understand better than I did before.

In a non-Christian family it is hard to keep up my faith, but I have the faith to keep it because I believe that God is the one who should be fear. But being a Christian is unique to me, you know? It helps me to be a better person in the most cases in my life. It makes me to be patient, loving, and tolerant of others. It makes me to grow better. Most people have their own different ways to make themselves to be a better person. But God is one for me, and I believe that he will make it even better for me. In the past, I have learned so much. Christianity is so complicated, but with Him, he makes it even so easier for us to understand. Most people will not understand our religion, and in fact most people would not. I always have believe that religion especially Christianity is nothing but a paradox. Hate to say that, but it is true. Most Christians who say that they act like a one, but in reality they do not. It takes time to act like a one, and it takes time to walk sincerely. And Christianity itself is big to understand, and it really takes a lifetime to understand and learn. Christianity is always about faith. You got to stay with religion, or other wise you are lacking in faith. Ever since I become a Christian, I become passionate and genuine about Him because I want truly to be an example of the Christ. I want to excite Him, and I want to make Him happy. Whatever I do makes him happy, I know I will be happy.

In all, they are the most major ones that makes me who I am you know? They carry with me everyday and who makes me who I am today. But they make me complex, because I am different than most people are. And it is okay.

Well I think I have rambled so much, so I better go! I would be so surprised if you keep reading so far! Lol. Anyways, have a great night!