In addition to just introducing myself, I thought I'd put my testimony up here.  It's cross-posted from GCN, but many of you were there during the time that I describe.

I've written and re-written my testimony in the past. It used to be very long and it went into a lot of detail. It's still long, but not as long as it used to be! I won't even get into how I almost became an Anglican priest, or even how the thought still crosses my mind from time to time. Though probably I'd make a better professor priest than pastoral priest. But now I'm getting off-topic.

To summarize, 2004 and 2005 were extremely difficult years for me.

I've been a Christian for nearly all my life. Being a a choirboy and a music student when I was younger, I was around gay people pretty regularly. I never really had a problem with homosexuality and my faith. I always loved and cared for them. I just wanted to fit in with what I thought was normal and what my family expected. So yes, I struggled for years and years to convince myself that I was straight.

Eventually, I started breaking down and did things I really shouldn't have done. And most of the time there were no immediate consequences. BUT, I met up with a guy once, and we didn't even talk about hooking up. He just wanted to talk. He was in the closet and he seemed like a really nice guy. Actually he was for a while. He came over to my house. After I wouldn't give him what he wanted, he proceded to attack me, wear me down, and then, well, my ability to resist gave out.

This assault began a quick descent into severe depression. I went to the doctor who just gave me anti-depressants without much thought. I would later discover that I have bi-polar disorder and that the anti-depressants caused me to behave in ways that I otherwise would not have. At the time I was living in an extremely conservative community, with the Mid-Atlantic headquarters of Exodus International just miles away from my home. I began to be more open about my sexuality.

Unfortunately, that openness cost me my job. But God was at work. After the assault my faith collapsed. At first I called myself an agnostic, and then I called myself an athiest. When I lost my job, I became very unstable. I was in no position to find another job. With my parents help, I sold my house and moved home. I also entered treatment.

Jump back to mid-December 2003, that's when I first joined GCN. But I only made a few posts. I reappeared sometime in the summer and made a few more posts. As I sat at home with nothing to do, I plugged in GCN for the third time. I was welcomed with open arms. Believe it or not though, I'm rather introverted and it took me a long time to get comfortable making posts and responding to other people's posts. It took me a long time to make friends. But this time I stuck with it.

Ultimately I was offered another job in Charlottesville, VA. But it was not a good fit for me. I've moved back home and I've started working with my dad's company. Throughout 2005 I would still fly high and then crash.  It took a lot of effort and a lot of time, but I have formed some friendships that mean a great deal to me. 

My faith has for the most part been restored, although it has returned to an almost infant-like status. I stand firmly in the core doctrines of my faith (the Apostles, Nicene and Athanasian Creeds). But my understanding beyond that is all over the map and could change from one day to the next. I've only just begun touching the Side A / Side B debate (as they call it over there). I definately see God at work.

Just to touch on the Side A / Side B debate, my gut feeling leans towards Side A. However I am abstinent and am not presently seeking a partner or boyfriend until I reach a better understanding. I am also working honestly to understand the Side B position as well. My heart is also considering the possibility of taking the Side A theological stance while accepting that God may be calling me to life-long celibacy.

Returning home to North Carolina was the best move I could have possibly made. Although my first reaction was to think of myself as a failure. Even now I miss the walks I used to take around the UVA grounds which was just minutes from my apartment. But I feel that, despite any short-term angst, I am now on the right path. Medically I'm almost completely stabilized, although symptoms do crop up from time to time. I recently realized that I set my goals at unrealistic levels and then when I fail to meet them, I give up and lose heart.

Having watched so many of these goals collapse, I had started to see myself as a total failure as a human being. The next step in my journey is to reverse that damage.

The reality is that being gay in our society is hard in and of itself. Having bi-polar disorder carries its own stigma. It is my hope and dream that I can use these to God's advantage.

Much love to all, Matt

March 4, 2006