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nateblack


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My Journey
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Of course I went through the motions of trying to change my sexuality... that's what everyone told me I should do. I do know I was never 100% convinced they were right and I didn't want to lose their love & acceptance. So I tried to change.

Altar call after altar call.

Accountability partners.

Young men's bible studies.

Pastoral counseling.

Something happened to me that made me stop most of that. I nearly died from a ruptured appendix when I was 20 years old and a student at Oral Roberts University. I had 2 surgeries and lost almost 70lbs.

After being so close to death, I began to evaluate my life. One of the biggest things I realized was that I hadn't really lived authentically up to that point. No one in my family or my circle of friends knew I was gay... or struggling with it at the time. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I was incredible at building walls around myself.

No one knew who I really was. I didn't even know who I was. I just lived into the image that I thought others wanted to see.

After the surgeries I made a decision to start trying to live authentically. I started being honest about small things, sharing my likes & dislikes. I started questioning various doctrines I grew up with. I stopped trying to pretend I was straight... and ended an engagement with a beautiful woman I met at ORU.

Then I figured the next thing to do was start understanding homosexuality. What does the bible say? What do psychologists say? What do religious leaders say? What do gay rights people say? And I read and read everything I could get my hands on.

And little by little, I started to have peace that this is the way that God made me and that He loves me, just as I am.

And the very last time I ever questioned God on this issue was in November of 1998. I was considering transferring schools and beginning to come out as openly gay. One Sunday afternoon I drove to Oklahoma City, where no one would know me. I looked for a church I could go and as for prayer and I found a small, non-descript, black pentecostal church just as they were starting their Sunday evening service.

Instead of taking communion, I told the deacon I wanted prayer because I think I'm gay. The woman pastor had all the young men of the church come up and lay hands on me. And as they started loudly praying to God and "pushing" me around, as good pentecostals do, I had this amazing vision.

God and Jesus were looking down at me and laughing hysterically... Here I was a gay christian cowboy doing everything I could think of to change who I was... and that night I'm surrounded by all these beautiful black men trying to cast the "demon" of homosexuality out of me. And God and Jesus were just getting a big kick out of it... And then it was like God & Jesus stopped laughing and just looked at me with radiant, loving smiles.

Those eyes...

I knew in that moment, beyond any doubt, that I was perfect... just as I am.

Of course the reactions of the people in my church and family are an entirely different story... a much darker story. But even those wounds are beginning to heal.

Visit my blog for more on this topic & others. I also have some great videos about sexuality & the bible on my blog. http://blog.myspace.com/nathanatx   http://www.nateblack.us

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Perfect love casts out fear. God is love. Anything else is a lie.
24 fan tim


Live long and prosper.

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Your journey is so familiar.  I went down those same roads, sans the Pentacostal church experience.  At least you came to acceptance of who you are before carrying through wuth the engagement and getting married.  I wasn't so smart.  I got married and tried living the straight life as a married man for 16 years.  I also spent countless hours at the altar, in reparative counseling, and other means to "overcome" my homosexuality.  All that happened through all the above was a lower self-esteem and pain.  By accepting who I am and coming to peace with God, I am a much happier person.  Sadly, onone front, my marriage has ended.  Now life must go on.  Family and former church friends still have trouble dealing with who I am, but I am at peace with myself and with God.

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Be yourself!!!  Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!!  And that just leads to utter misery!!!  Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
Mama Lisa


He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart. Isaiah 40:11

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Wow, Nathan.  That's an awesome witness, and I'm so glad you shared it with us. 


I had lunch with a friend a while back who I knew was very anti-gay.  (We had been in Bible study together for several years, and there was no question as to where she stood!)  She asked me how I moved from being basically where she is (homosexuality is a sin) to where I am today (homosexuality is not a sin!).  I had to think about that for minute, then I told her I had done a lot of crying out to God, and tons of reading.  I realized then that there were things I read that didn't connect with my spirit, you know?  I would read things, and they just didn't "feel" right.  Other things I read felt right and true.  Everytime I would read things about homosexuality being a sin, abomination, unnatural, etc., it made me angry.  But when I read the meaning of the "clobber passages", I would feel like, "oh, I get it!"


And of course the thing that really convinced me more than anything is Luke 10:27:  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind & strength; and love your neighbor as yourself.  To me, that sums up all of the Bible, including all of Jesus's teaching.


One of the best things I've read recently was from TaterHead.  He said the Lamb's Book of Life isn't divided up into gay or straight, black or white, etc.  Either your name is there or it's not.



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Grace is the acceptance of that which is rejected.
                                                                       ~Paul Tillich
Anonymous

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I went through the same sort of "trial by fire" too, except I tried it more through the "psychological" means of trying to go "straight".


The reason why the bible calls homosexuality a sin is because, in a way, it IS.


But not in the way that you might think...and why the whole debate is really "moot".


All of humanity is born under sin because of Adam's sin in the Garden of Eden. When he fell, all of creation fell with him and death came into the world...along with "thorns". When God told Adam of his punishment, He mentioned about there being "thorns" upon plants that where originally there were none. This was to remind Adam's children (all of humanity) of the frail human condition and death and the need for salvation. Thorns are neither good nor bad...just a reminder of the frailty of life and the need for God and His love. The same is true for our sexuality: it is neither good nor bad...just something to make us come to God's open arms of love, and to give our lives over to Him for direction.


If you think that I am "pooh-pooh"ing being gay, just remember this...


If thorns are no good...then why are the biggest ones are found on the most beautiful roses?


Jeffrey



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