Raleigh Jones, my very first boyfriend, was found dead last night by his mother, when she came looking for him. No one, not even me, had seen or heard from him since Saturday night. That night, me and him had just gotten off work and were walking with each other, hand in hand, to our cars in the Wal-Mart parking lot, when I brought him close to me, hugged him and asked him if I could be his boyfriend. He laughed at first and said that he was too old for me, but then he put his arms around me and said okay. We hugged and kissed each other good-bye. He told me to call him sometime and set up for a date (we were talking earlier about going out bowling with my friends from the old store). That was the last time that I would ever see him again.
His mom believed that he had just walked into the front door of his home when the Lord took him to heaven. She is very upset and the whole family is in shock and tears. I have just now stopped crying long enough to compose this entry.
I loved him...and I made sure that he felt loved. Please pray for all of us.
No, he wasn't at my party; he had to work that day (I was on vacation leave). I wish NOW that I had invited him to it, but he was busy taking care of a sick relative that the doctors said wasn't doing very well, and I didn't want him to miss out any precious time that he had with him. Also, I didn't want my family to know that I had feelings, not just for another guy, but one that was also BLACK. My mom doesn't like inter-racial marriage, even though she herself is part white and part Native American.
And that is why I now feel so guilty...
I could have just come out to my whole family about how I felt about Raleigh, but I was (and still am) too scared to "out" myself to all of them, knowing that when I do, I will probably never be able to see my little Rebecca ever again, or won't be able to go to my brother's future wedding, or even be allowed to show my face at church.
Also, I didn't tell Raleigh until that last night we had together at work how I felt about him for fear of ruining our friendship. I was even entertaining the idea of asking him if I could spend the night at his place so we could become more acquainted with each other, but he said that he was going to go to church with his mom in Lexington the next morning, and I didn't want him to miss out on that. NOW, I wonder if I had went home with him that night, I could have SAVED his life.
And now I feel so GUILTY!!! I wonder if my going on vacation somehow helped to bring this on him, with the store getting busier with back-to-school supplies coming in, and me not being there to help with the unloading of the heavy boxes. There's so much that I could have done differently, but I wanted to "play it safe" for everyone's benefit.
With gas being so high, I can't afford to go to the funeral at his church in Lexington, so I am going to send his mom a sympathy card and a letter telling her how wonderful a man that Raleigh was, and how he, for the first time in my life, made me realize that I CAN fall in love with somebody and have that love returned to me...overflowing with kindness and care.
Pray that I will find the right words to tell her, and her family.
I am praying for you, Jeffrey. Especially now that you've shared those guilty feelings. You have nothing to feel guilty about! It sounds like you were a good friend to him. You did not cause his death in any way. You loved him and that's all you could have done!!
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Grace is the acceptance of that which is rejected. ~Paul Tillich
Thank you so much. I have just got done writting out a letter that I am going to give to Raleigh's mom, thanking her for bringing into the world a most wonderful son. His whole family knew that he was "special" and before moving to Kentucky, he was living with his lover for 25 years when, on one Xmas eve, he suffered a brain enyorism and went into a coma that, like my dad, he never recovered from.
I guess that they are now together, walking on streets of gold with Jesus.
Yesterday was Raleigh's funeral. I wanted to go, but the distance was to far, and I am down to only $30, which will have to all go to gas this week to get to work. Fortunately, I found his obituary on the internet and was able to add my own post of how much of a good man he was. This gave me some peace. My friends at work are encouraging me and saying that there was nothing that I could have done that would have prevented his death. One friend said that all I have to do is talk to him and he will hear me, and that he doesn't blame me for what happened to him. I am still waiting for the autopsy report to come in and find out why he really died. There's a rumor going around at work that he was killed. If this is true, I will never be able to forgive myself because he was always afraid that our public displays of affection would invite violence. But I told him that I wasn't ever going to be ashamed of loving him. I miss him so much.
I am VERY much down in the dumps. Financially, things are tough. It now takes an entire days worth of work to pay for two weeks worth of gas. That's about one-seventh of my paycheck. And with bills and groceries going up, I don't know how much more I'm able to go on. I'm cutting corners wherever I can, but it's getting very hard.
Keep me in your prayers. Some nights are VERY hard to get through without crying.
Hey Jeffrey, I just wanted to let you know we are all thinking of you. I know that this is a tough time right now, but beleive me, things will get better. The pain of Raleighs loss will ease over time. I know it is easy for you to say "what if" right now, but doing so will not bring him back and will only make you feel worse. You had no control over his death. Wether it was natural or intentional, you did not cause it. Life is full of bumps and sometimes bruises but I know that if you are strong you will come through this time stronger and wiser. You are an intelligent and inspiring person, so I know that you will persevere. I know it's hard right now, but pull yourself up and continue on. You never know who you might touch through the example of your life. I know that you have touched many so far, so keep it up.
After I posted my last entry, my one of my aunts came for a visit and gave my mom $100. as pay for staying with her as she recuperated from an operation. Then, on my way to work, I listened to a podcast by John Piper (one of my fave bible teachers) and he talked about how the Christian's perseverance in life is founded on the reward of all that we have in Christ, and how we will all rejoice in it when we all get to heaven, so I thought of how Raleigh will be there for me when it's my turn to die. Then, just before I got off work, one of my co-workers reminded me that God will never put upon me a load that's too heavy for me to bear.
All of these things helped me get through this dark time.
I just miss him so much. And I wonder what our lives would have become if he didn't die.
I talked with her Saturday afternoon. She is doing as well as can be expected. She thanked me for the card I sent. We both got a little choked up, but we consoled each other. There wasn't an autopsy, she said, because the police said that they couldn't find any reason for foul play. They said he just died from natural causes.
Personally, I believe that God just called him home to be with his old boyfriend of 26 YEARS, who suffered a brain embolism on Xmas Eve several years ago.
I like to picture them up there in heaven, talking with my dad, with him showing them pictures of me when I was a kid, and telling them of all of the kinds of mischief that I got into when I was young.
I still feel VERY lonely, though. But I have downloaded to my computer a beautiful music video from a new gay singer named Matt Zarley. It's called "Had I Known". I play it to remind me that each moment I have left in my life is precious, and that to always tell those that I love how much I love them. You can see the video on YouTube.
