Its been a while since I have been here. I have been going through very much these last few months. Still am. And I don't know when I will come out of it. Mama Lisa's been asking me to come back and I keep trying to come back.

They say confession is good for the soul. I don't know about that, but right now, I guess I'll try anything. Months ago I met someone that changed everything. Even before I met him, I had been questioning the current state of my relationship. I had been having not second thoughts, but thoughts of unfulfillment and unhappiness with my boyfriend. I would come home and just look around and be unhappy and unsure. I had been feeling for a long time that I just don't have anything in common with my boyfriend. I didn't hate him. I just didn't feel we fit any longer. Then one day I met "J". (I'll just call him J). It was something that happened without even looking for it. The day I met J felt like we instantly fit. When we looked into each others eyes, its as though we had been waiting for that moment our whole lives. He immediately found out I had a boyfriend. But not to long after that, we seemed to forget about that. I soon began confiding to him about my feelings. About my dreams, goals, fears, etc. In time it became clear that we felt more than just a mutual attraction. He came to know every secret about me as I came to know his. For the first time in all my life, someone saw exactly who I was, who I am and who I want to be and he still wanted to be with me. I was experiencing an intense soulmate-like feeling unlike I had ever felt in all my life. I would see him when I did and we would hug and hold hands and say things to each other that we never thought we would say to each other. Then I would come home and look around at my life and see how unhappy I am. How unfit my boyfriend and I were. And I had to face the fact that I was having an affair. Something I never thought I would do. I felt ashamed and scared. I also felt alive and happy. I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. I remember asking God why J and I met? What was the reason for it? So, for months, J and I continued to see each other. Thinking about a future that J and I would have, could have. We would spend moments together in silence while we hug. He would hold my hand and let me look at him. He would say the greatest, most deepest things anyone had ever told me. Things I never hear from my boyfriend. During the summer we has a disconnect (J and I) and we started to question what we were doing. But a few days later we patched things up and we were happy. Then time passed again when we started to question what we were doing. Having an affair, thinking on a future that would never happen. Wondering why in the world we met. We started asking serious questions and we came to hard answers that we didn't want to hear. In the end, we decided to end it for our own good. It was the hardest thing I had to do. We were both angry, not at each other, but at the whole thing. I fell into a depression and started to question why? Why J? Why me? I asked God why did this happen? I was sad and mad at the same time. I came to God with my feelings. I felt God knew what I was walking into the day I met J, but He did not tell me. I know that sounds silly, to expect God to tell you "hey, this is what your walking into..." Even though I was asking God this, I did not expect an answer.

So what happens now? J and I haven't spoken in weeks, nor have I seen him. My boyfriend and I are still together. But he does not know what I have done. I feel guilty. And sometimes I feel nothing. My boyfriend did not deserve for me to act this way, but I did. I cannot tell him. Naturally, if I did, I would be left homeless. He would not have any forgiveness for what I did. How can I blame him?

I spent the last few weeks questioning everything. Trying to get through my depression and facing what I have done I just went into a state of spiritual chaos. I'm so tired of praying and trying to understand. So I stopped praying and stopped trying to understand. Everyday I look in the mirror and face the pain of losing J and the pain of what I have done. How could I ever find someone like J ever again? How could I ever find someone to completely see me, all of me and love me? My boyfriend knows me, but in many levels, doesn't understand me. I love him, but not in love with him.

I am now taking a break from Christianity and I stopped going to church for a while. Although I still talk to God, I don't pray to God. I have asked God to be with me in through my state of depression, but I also told God I am not praying to him in the Christian sense. I need God to come a long with me and let me discover whatever it is I need to discover. To question whatever it is I need to question. Even if the answers don't come, I just need to go "this way" before I can come back to that way.

I've never confessed anything like this to anyone, especially to an online community. But right now I'm still feeling unsure of anything. And I'm hoping that just no one here passes judgement on me. I know what I did was not right. And at the same time, a part of me does not regret it. To have someone look at me, really see me entirely me and love me was something I have longed to experience. I did. And it didn't work out.

Thank you for letting me say what I needed to say. I want to return and post here and I will. I hope no one will see me as some unforgivable sinner.

Steve