Several years ago, not long after Alan came out, he introduced me to GayChristian.net. At that time, I was still struggling with the whole "choice" thing. I started a thread there that was tremendously helpful to me, so I thought I would start it here as well.
I think the title pretty much says it all, but I'd love to hear how & when you knew you were gay. If you are older, and perhaps went the marriage route first, was homosexuality something you just denied all those years? Or did you not realize that you were gay until later?
Please share whatever you feel comfortable sharing.
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Grace is the acceptance of that which is rejected. ~Paul Tillich
I will share more late... got to go to bed... but I knew I was more attracted to boys than girls at least by the time I was 6 or 7... I had crushes on both boys & girls as a kid... but it was boys who got me physically aroused... and I have never had any sexual contact, or any desire to have sexual contact with females... yet I had my first gay sexual experience with another boy my age when I was about 11 or 12...
thats all for now... got to go to bed... my new bedtime is to be in bed no later than 12:30... supposed to be getting ready for bed starting at 1130 so I gotta run. night night! Hugs, jerry
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Big Hugs!Blessings of Love, Joy, Peace & Health-Physical, Mental & Spiritual, jerry
"Who walks a road with love, will never walk that road alone." -Charles Thomas Davis
Well...I didn't know exactly that it was "wrong" then...I started my attraction to boys at 7years old. My brother's best friend and I had a sexual encounter...more than once. Growing up, I noticed I would always be fascinated by guys with no shirt on and I thought that was weird. Also, before I came out at 15, I went through hell in middle school because everyone would call me a fag or gay and be so mean to me. It wasn't until I came out right before freshmen year of high school that everyone was so nice and accepting at my school. If someone didn't accept it, I had 100 or so ppl to back me up,so I never had trouble throughout high school. But anyways, the struggle with my sexuality really began when I came out because thats when my family started with telling me that homosexuality is wrong and that it is a disease. So,when I came out I was went to a program for the summer called "Love In Action". OMG,I hated it so much and I put on a face just so that I could get through it without problems. It was almost like school because you had to write each night over an experience you had in the past, and how you felt,how you could have changed it, why it was wrong,etc. Also, I saw how the program wasn't even working. When we went on trips I would ride with the other teenagers in the camp(only about 3 others) and we would listen to music we weren't allowed to(Christina Aguilera) and actually about who we thought was cute and other stuff. The program was completely useless. I actually ran into one of the ppl who was in it with me about 3 years later at a club...and I found out he has slept with over 80 ppl at that club and is not even Christian anymore. It made me sad...but I am glad I have held on to my morals and to God. It really has gotten me through life and kept me out of trouble. But life has been pretty hard for me...and I'm sure harder for others, having this gay issue. My family still thinks its a disease and I'm constantly told by my dad I will be cured. It's hard sometimes...but I just have to do what God thinks is best and know he loves me for who I am. Well,if anyone would like to know more about my life,feel free to ask...but it would take a loooong time to write it all down here.
I think I knew I was gay around the age of 11 or 12. Before then I had lots of friends and I can't say that I particularly liked boys or girls. My friends that were girls were pretty tough so we didn't get away with the normal "no girls allowed" stuff. I remember in 5th grade the most developed girl started to make-out with one of the older (supper cute) guys in our grade. My friends and I were watching them and one of them made a comment about touching her, and just like the flip of a switch I realized that I didn't want to kiss her, I really wanted to kiss and hug him. In Mexican tv (witch I grew up on) gay men are always supper flamboyant and there was a kid in our class that was also very effeminate, so I think I had it in my head that gay men acted like girls. So when I realized I thought about kissing guys I totally convinced my self that I was not gay cuz I didn't want to be a girl and I just had to get a girlfriend. Well the more the yr went on the more I thought about guys. One night sometime in the summer after 5th grade I went out and was thinking of ways to hurt my self, I knew I was gay but I didnt want to be a gay, the guy that wants to be like a girl, the guy we all make fun off. I dont think I had intentions of killing my self, I thought about falling off our school building (two stories), or running into a car passing by. I ended up punching my self till I started vomiting. I just hated my self so much. During high school there were rumors going around about me so I started dating girls, and sooner or later the why dont you touch me talk would come up, of course my answer was I am a gentlemen and respect you. Some time in my freshman yr of college I decided it was ok to never fall in love as long as I did not act gay, and it only took 8 more yrs from that day for me to start going to church and realize God didnt want me to feel alone in this world. LOL ok you guys can ask more but I feel a bit weird getting teared eyed at work.
A question that is deep and very timely for me. I have been thinking a lot about this very issue for the past few weeks. So much so that I have been thinking about posting a series of posts just to tell my life story. I may do that, as a separate topic.
But to briefly answer the question at hand, well, I'll try.
I suppose my first realization of being "different" was when I was about 11. I hadn't really thought about "boy/girl" relationships or "attractions" before then.
At 11 I remember watching "The Dukes of Hazzard" and thinking that Bo was very good looking, and at the same time hearing guys on the school bus talk about Daisy and about how "hot" she was. It was then that I began to realize that I wasn't the same as the other guys that I knew.
Being raised in a "holiness" type of Christian home, where just saying a cuss word as you were in an accident, in your dying breath would send you straight to hell, I just knew that if I was gay, I was doomed to hell. So I did my darnest to be straight. I tried like crazy to like girls, but this seemed to be doomed from the start. My longest teenage hetero relationships lasted only 2-6 months. Golly, I only went on 1 real "date" my entire teenage years. Prom doesn't count, you just had to take a girl to that, especially since I attended a Christian school.
Anyway, despite knowing that I was bound for hell if I ever acted on my true feelings, I realized at the age of 16 that I was indeed gay, even though I wouldn't even admit it to myself then.
I went off to college (Liberty University) and thought that surely I would outgrow my "problem" and tried to date at college. Again, things just didn't work out. I had the BIGGEST crush on my male best friend, but knew that it was "wrong". Then in late October, I met this girl and became best friends with her. We started dating after the semester break, and well, knowing that I had to get married and that being straight was "right" I threw myself into the relationship. With pressure from my girlfriend and my parents, I settled into the relationship.
Long story shortened, I was married within a year. I did/do love my wife, but as a best friend. There was always something missing from our marriage. After a while, being married was comfortable and I thought that that was the way that I would live out my days.
However, my same sex attractions continued. I struggled with deep loathing and depression for 15 years. I wasn't good for anybody. After outing myself to my wife (she caught me looking at that which I am ashamed to say I shouldn't have been looking at, gay porn), and spending a year in "reparative" therapy to be healed from my "problem", I finally reached a breaking point. Either God would heal me or I couldn't go on. Well, I ain't healed in the sense that I thought I would be, instead, I found out that God loves me just the way that I am. So Tammy (my wife) and I spent long hours talking, seeking answers. We found GCN and some other sites and had more long discussions. Tammy finally just point blank asked what I wanted from life. I replied, Happiness. We both knew what I meant. I needed to be ME, as I am. So we disolved our marriage.
And here I am. Almost 2 years after our split, the happiest that I have ever been.
Sometimes I wish that I had been strong in my youth and just been myself then. I feel cheated sometimes of the happiness that I could have had. Thomas, I envy you at times, being out at such a young age.
But all things work out to His glory. If I had been out in my teens or in college, I never would have had the 2 great kids that I have. So, I can't second guess myself now.
Instead, I now try to squeeze as much life out of each day that I can. I find joy in the wmallest things. I live each day without the cloud of self loathing. No longer do I suffer from that hopeless depression that ground me down each day. Life is trully a gift from God!!!
I am just so very happy!!!!!
Anyway, to reiterate my answer, I "knew" I was gay from my teens, I just chose to bury it and tried to live straight, until the young age of 35.
Sorry about the length, I tried to be brief.........
but every time I start to talk, or write, or express myself, I have become very long winded. Must be from the 35 years of being bottled up......I guess I'm like the Genie in the bottle...........only I gots more than 3 wishes to give out.......oh, shucks, here I go again.....I'll shut up now..........maybe..........
-- Edited by 24 fan tim at 00:29, 2007-08-15
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Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
Being out young does have it's advantages...but I am always sterotyped cuz most of the gay teens my age are into multiple partners and drugs and stuff. I always have to explain and prove to my friends parents I am not bad. One friend's mother had a "talk" with me and one part she mentioned "I'm assuming that you are having sex and that you are or have been into drugs and alcohol". None of that is true,yet she is thinking that because I am gay and 19 years old. Most gay men my age like to party. I mean, I like clubs...but I like to dance,and only dance with my friends. I don't ever let other guys touch me or dance with me. But Tim...I am glad we are friends and I'm sorry you had to go so long without being yourself *hugs*
Thanks for your words of kindness Thomas!!! I am glad that we are friends as well!!!!
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Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
Even though this is an old thread and even though I'm not gay I figured I would answer anyways. When I was about 6 or 7 is when I noticed I was different than other boys. They all seemed to be brave (in a child's way) and I was more scared. I seemed to relate better to the girls and didn't care much in the coming years for the boys stuff. I remember in gradeschool the boys went out and played sports and I only did when the teacher made me. I would rather stay on the playground by the jungle-jim and swings with the girls. The boys always seemed to be getting muddy and were such animals. I would rather stay clean and I guess even back then outed myself without knowing it because many of them would pick on me. Through it all the Lord has been good to me. May God bless, Tiffany
