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Home -> Safe in the Shepherds Arms -> General Chit Chat -> I know I am new here, but I need to get something off my heart!
Post Info TOPIC: I know I am new here, but I need to get something off my heart!
m4mluvlife


Veteran Member

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I know I am new here, but I need to get something off my heart!
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Hey friends,
it has been nice getting to know a few of you... I look forward to getting to know more of you.  I hope you don't mind a newbie sharing some deep thoughts from my heart.

I have been lucky enough to become pretty good friends with two other members from this group. I have been sharing some of this with them; I wanted to share it here in a more formal, more clear way because I think that many of us who grew up in Christian families are or will struggle with this same issue.

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately by how many people need help and by how LITTLE energy I have to actually help them.  I have been so frustrated by this too, because normally I am so good at helping people.  At the same time I have been feeling like I was falling apart physically and coming unglued mentally.

My back hurts, I am not going to bed at a decent hour and I am feeling tired, and always feeling behind, run down and like the weight of the world was crushing my shoulders.  And what is so ironic, is the less energy I felt I had for helping others, the more people in my life seemed to need help, ask for help. And I started getting 3 or 4 times more the normal requests for help as well as financial donations that I normally get in the mail, by telephone, in person and in emails... Many of my friends and family members seem to really be struggling and I felt an overwhelming desire to help them but absolutely no energy or HOPE that I could help them.

That doesn't mean I havent been trying; I tried to help all I could by emailing, calling, praying with, praying for and referring them to others and various professionals and organizations where I felt they could get help; and the more I did this, the more requests I got.

Finally, I just almost snapped.  I realized I had been ignoring much of the advice I was giving others... Physician Heal thyself... In the Gospels, there is a verse that talks about how we are not capable of removing a speck or splinter out of our brother's (or sister's) eye because we have a beam (a 2 X 4) in our own eye.

Also, I remembered Jesus teaching, where he said we were to love our neighbors as we loved ourselves.
 
These two lessons from Christ STRONGLY suggests to me that Jesus assumes the first and most healthy rule of life is that we love ourselves, and we are taking care of our own problems, concerns before we go around trying to "fix" others.

Why do I try to "fix" others...? Well, I think I do it for several reasons.
1...I do it because I am trying to get approval and validation and affirmation from others who see my good works and or who benefit from my help;
2...I do it because I desperately NEED and WANT someone to take care of me, to love me, to show me the kind of attention, compassion and mercy that I was willing to give others in need;
3I do it because I truly love with a HEART Blessed of God I love intensely; I am deeply passionate; I care deeply, I dont like to see people suffer; I want people to be happy and to enjoy life;
4...I do it because I was told that was what "Christians are supposed to do... to serve others, to put other first... I was even taught... JOY= Jesus first, Others next and Yourself last.

I hope you can see how MISGUIDED, , Dysfunctional and unhealthy almost all of those reasons are... they come from a deep dark and empty place in my heart that has been empty for most of my life--my self esteem--which is basically non-existent... Intellectually, I know I am a worthy child of God, worthy of love, respect, care, happiness, and goodness; but emotionally I was conditioned as a child (largely unintentionally) to believe that I was unworthy, that I was defective, that I desperately needed to always be better than every one else and the only way I would ever get approval and validation is if I could be perfect.

Well... I have decided, that for now... I am going to have to start using most if not all the energy I have been using to help and affirm others to affirm, validate and lift myself up... I have realized through the help of God... that if I don't do this now... I am going to go crazy, and I am going to be so shattered I will be of no use or value to anyone... that I must allow myself to be loved, that I must give and receive my own validation, and affirmation of my own worthiness as a child of God, as a perfect creation of the Divine Creator and build my self esteem so that I don't use others to fill my emptiness.

So that the loving, caring, generous, giving, wise person that God has created in me can be free to express these gifts out of a true place of service--NOT SAYING that I have not been doing good things for others--but Many of the Good that I have done has been slightly tarnished by my own desire to be loved, healed, helped, and nurtured.

I also recognize that if I rush to help everyone who appears to be in need... then I am being selfish.... because I am keeping others from having the opportunity to minister--I am not the only person who can help others.
Also sometimes by helping people I really do them a big disservice by causing them to be dependent on me robbing from them their own dignity of helping themselves... that in some cases, I enable them to remain sick and broken with no motivation for improving or getting better, if I am always coming to the rescue or sending someone to help.

So, I have decided that for now, I need to see those in need, acknowledge what I see, and send a prayer to God that he send them what it is they need... a life lesson, an angel unaware to minister to them... a swift kick in the pants to get off their lazy butts and start taking personal responsibility for their own lives... etc.   But that... I will send each and every person that I love and have interactions with my loving, positive energy... but that I will do so only to the extent that it doesn't cause me to stray from my MISSION--To Take care of Jerry--To Get better physically, to get on a better sleep schedule, to learn how to love and nurture myself, to validate and affirm myself as a worthy, child of God--deserving of the same energy and help that I have been offering to others...and know that because I have helped others... I now know I have what it takes--GOD has given me the tools--to help myself.

So, I send you all my love, I hope you will continue to be my friends.  I hope that we can continue to trust one another with our pain and struggles... But if you are like I once was... and you HAVE decided your mission in life is to help everyone, and that only you can help, because you are the person's last hope--I pray you will see the light before you hurt yourself and others...

We have to realize that all of us have baggage from our childhood and as such we are all handicapped, disabled, scarred, hurt, injured... in someway... but That as adults... The way we get better is by taking responsibility for our lives and making them better... Asking God for help constantly... but realizing... WE must be the ones who act... God will give us the strength... but it must be us to actually take action... For folks that don't get this, then they and they alone, must live with the consequences of their inaction, and/or their choices... We are not responsible for others.  WE are ONLY responsible for ourselves--we can only give an account of our lives and what we have done with our gifts, talents and challenges.

Thanks for letting share this... I hope this inspires, provokes thought, discussion, soul-searching, etc., among some of you, who are also struggling because you are such KIND, LOVING, CARING, GENEROUS, AND COMPASSIONATE... but dare I say it.... NEEDY people--MYSELF included (needy person #1).

I love you.  thanks for your love, your support, your prayers, your positive energy and your spirits... Because we are all one in spirit... alone we are nothing, together we are everything.
Big Hugs & Blessings of Love, Joy, Peace & Health,
Jerry,
Jerry Lail
Orange County HIV Planning Council: Vice Chair; Membership Committee Chair; Housing Committee Co-Chair; Executive Committee and Priority Setting, Allocation and Planning Committee
 Writer, Inspirational Speaker, Entertainer, Educator, Consultant, Facilitator, Workshop and Retreat Leader:  Spirituality, Sexuality, HIV/AIDS, Recovery (Religious Abuse, Addictions, Fundamentalism and Ex-Gay Programs/Reparative Therapy), Life Skills, Conflict Resolution and Business Ethics
 Irvine, CA, 
 
jerry.lail@yahoo.com
 Who walks a road with love
will never walk that road alone.
- Charles Thomas Davis

 

"Many laughs are lost by not laughing at oneself." 
Sara Jeannette Duncan
 
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein
 

 

7For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

 




__________________
Big Hugs!Blessings of Love, Joy, Peace & Health-Physical, Mental & Spiritual,
jerry

"Who walks a road with love, will never walk that road alone."
-Charles Thomas Davis
Mama Lisa


He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart. Isaiah 40:11

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Posts: 4330
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Jerry,

Thank your for your post.  And thank you for all the other help you have given me since we met!  I know I'm one of those needy people you mentioned, and I know that everything you said in your post is right on the money.  You have been such a God-send to me, and I took full advantage of that.  And in doing so, I took advantage of you.  I know you forgive me because you love with that kind of love!

Reading your post reminded me of a Wayne Watson song, called A Season in your Path. 

Heard that friends are friends forever
But we don't talk much anymore
I guess that Ive gone my way
And I guess that you've gone yours
Was kindness too neglected
On my list of deep regret?
In spite of distance unexpected
Can we forgive but not forget?

Sometimes I think about you
Some old memories make me cry
Remembering the good times makes me laugh
But all in all I'm richer
For the happy and the sad
And Im thankful for a season in your path

I guess God alone deciphers
When people need each other most
Who will be the blessed receiver
And who will be the gracious host
And all a servant here can do
Is unto the Lord avail
Content at times to be the wind
And at times to be the sail

If another winter settles
On your shoulder down the road
Without a thought of whats behind us
Let me help you pull your load

Sometimes I think about you
Some old memories make me cry
Remembering the good times makes me laugh
But all in all Im richer
For the happy and the sad
And I'm thankful for a season in your path



__________________

Grace is the acceptance of that which is rejected.
                                                                       ~Paul Tillich
TaterHead


Defender of Truth, Justice and the American GAY!

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Posts: 2458
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Don't feel too bad about your situation. I too once thought that I wasn't doing enough to help all those less fortunate around me. It wasn't until I had to be hospitalized for depression that I realized that I was just burning myself out over all that was going on and ignoring my own personal needs. God knows how much each one of us can handle in life, and WON'T put upon us anything more than we can take. All that we have to do is do our best to love God, each other and ourselves...and doing that doesn't mean that we are to wear ourselves down.

Remember what Jesus said: Whoever gives a cup of cold water to one of these little ones, in my name, shall not lose their reward. He tells us that we don't have to do it all, just do OUR part and God will do the rest.

floating.gifheart.giffloating.gif

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With God, ALL things are possible...
m4mluvlife


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 86
Date:
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Lisa, Please don't feel like you need to apologize. WE all take advantage of help offered to us... And we cannot take from someone, something they aren't offering... I think The point I was trying to make is NOT that Anyone in TSA was needy or using me or causing me stress or being a burden... NO, not at all... I would have said so, if that were the case... What I was really trying to get across was and IS that the pain and frustration that I was feeling was also something that I was sensing from others in the group as well... and I was hoping that if I shared my learning process of needing to take care of myself, and realizing my humanitiy and realizing it was not my JOB to "solve everyone's problems" that others like yourself who seem to think this way at times would also come to this realization... and Try to do as I am going to try to do and that is Take Better Care of ME... Funny you mention Wayne Watson.. Cause I love his song, entitled ... We can change the World... we can touch them one by one... we can give the gift of love... and we can CHANGE THE WORLD... I wish I knew where my copy of that tape was... I used to sing it... and I had the accompaniment track here somewhere...

Anyway... I love you all... and I are all one body... we are all connected... and just as the scriptures talks about the body parts saying I am not part of you, etc., doesn't make it so... they continue to be part of the body and necessary for the bodies healthy functioning.

Together WE CAN GIVE THE GIFT OF LOVE.... TOGETHER, WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD... one by one... and it starts with ourselves... Do I feel I deserve the same love and attention I am so willing and eager to give others... if so, why do I neglect my needs sometimes... that is lesson I am trying to learn.

Hugs,
Jerry

__________________
Big Hugs!Blessings of Love, Joy, Peace & Health-Physical, Mental & Spiritual,
jerry

"Who walks a road with love, will never walk that road alone."
-Charles Thomas Davis
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