After a bit of an absence from the site (I'm easily distracted, I'm sooooo sorry!), and several months where I was doing alright in real life, it seems that I'm taking a turn into a longer-term general depression. It used to be that I'd be in a good mood most of the time, and I'd just have an occasional period of time where I was down. But now I've been down in the dumps for a while and it's gotten harder and harder to get through the day. Life is just looking rather bleak and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. If you could just say a little prayer I'd be very grateful.
Praying for you, Mattie! You know we are always here if you need to rant & rave, or sob & weep during your down times. I just hate that we are all so far apart. Kind of hard to hug someone from a distance!!
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Grace is the acceptance of that which is rejected. ~Paul Tillich
My prayers for you. Been there and done that, where things looked hopeless... I lost everything, and did not have anything. Prayer and the support of others, brought me up and out. I set just small attainable goals to try to improve finances, my life, and other things, and slowly but surely, I worked my way out, and praised God for every little answered prayer. Thank God for where you are in life, although it seems bleak at this moment. If ever you need anything, im me or email me. You are loved. Best Regards from SoCal Dave
Keep your chin up. Don't let the world get you down. You're better than they are.
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That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
Please help Mattie get through another bout of depression. Enable him to see that this, along with all of the other problems of life, will pass. Show him that with You, Lord, there is NOTHING too hard for him to get through, and that Your love for him will NEVER go away. Bless him with the quiet strength that will help him to use this experience as an opportunity to grow as a person, as well as a means to have a closer walk with You. Show him that he isn't a "failure" because of his affliction, but that it's just another "tool" that You will use to make his life a blessing to all those around him, and know him. He is a good man, a good Christian and a good friend.
For in Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.
Mattie, don't be afraid of your bouts with this illness. God will not let you go through something that you can't handle. It is in these dark days that His light of love and hope shines the brightest. All that you have to do is to keep on praising Him for all that He has done, and will do, for you!
Hang in there, good buddy! Every "Good Friday" is followed by a "Resurrection Sunday"!
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
It's as though my mother becomes less compassionate and even just plain mean when I become depressed (not that she's particularly compassionate when I'm not depressed, just neutral). There's no encouragement or compassion there, just insults and demeaning remarks. She's recently said things like I'm "worthless", that I exhibit "bizarre behavior" because I won't talk to her about it, and that I just "shouldn't do anything at all." That's crazy because I do a lot, just not what she thinks I should be doing. And those are tame compared to other things she's said. Is it any wonder that I don't talk to her? When I spoke up and told her, she said I should try to understand where she's coming from better.
I'm wearing out and becoming resigned. I've always tried to believe that God is using my condition to teach me something and to create something good in my life. And sometimes I have felt that I'm being stubborn because I don't feel like I'm trying hard enough to figure out what that is. And perhaps I am. Several of you have touched on that and it brings me renewed encouragement that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But I feel more and more like I'm trapped in my situation. And I feel like it's becoming harder to convince myself that I can get out and move forward. I'm becoming very weary and that will just bring more cutting comments from my mother. I can't escape her because she is, afterall, my mother.
Thank you all so much for your kind words, your thoughts, and your prayers. You have no idea how much they mean to me. I'm always overwhelmed by the outpouring of love that is in this place.
Just the other day, my car rear suspension went out and I had no way to drive myself to work. I called up my mom at Cincinnati Children's Hospital and, in a panicky way, asked if my brother-in-law could drive ALL THE WAY from there and take me to work...in TEN MINUTES! I was at my wits end and didn't know what to do. Fortunately, a friend took me to work. Yesterday, the car got fixed and I went to work just after my family made it back from the hospital.
But today, after my family got back from Cincinnati, my mom chewed me out and told me that I have to stop going crazy every time something goes wrong. She's right, of course, but she has this way of criticizing me that rubs me the wrong way, making me feel even worse than before. She can be as harsh as sandpaper at times, but I just keep reminding myself that it's just her personality and is nothing really personal against me.
I just try to look over her and not let her crazy ways get me down anymore...
itsmattie77 wrote: Thank you all so much for your kind words, your thoughts, and your prayers. You have no idea how much they mean to me. I'm always overwhelmed by the outpouring of love that is in this place.
mattie you are in my prayers! you are an amazing guy! and you deserve all the happiness in the world! love you lots my friend!
Prayers still for you. I was reading your comments about your mom. Again been there done that. I came out to my parents by writing them a letter. Of course I was 1700 miles away, which made a difference. Our relationship which was great up to that time became estranged, and we did not talk for 4 years, until my lover at that time brought us back together. Believe me when I told them I was gay, I got the whole: "What did I do Wrong?.... It's a Sin!.....It's unnatural! .... You are worthless! How could you do this to us?.... and the hits came on coming. It took them the 4 years to finally accept that I was gay, and living with someone I really loved at that time. It was at that point that she could accept me and my lover. Actually she and dad adored him.. time heals wounds.
Mom's seem to know about their sons, and know deep down under way before we do. My mom just had a hard time accepting it, and never talked about it.
I know it is hard to look beyond the insults and degrading remarks, however consider this.... it's anger, denial, hurt and all sorts of other feelings that she has been holding in that are now expolding out like Niagra Falls. All these "feelings" spilling out, are excuses she is making so that she will not face the truth. Also she belittles you and makes you feel insignificant so that you will "depend" on her. She could be afraid of loosing you for what ever reason. Some people (like my dad) used insults and degrading remarks to me while growing up to show superiority, or so he thought was trying to make me tuff. (Calling me fat a** and fairy when I was learning to play ball which I thoroughly hated. In his mind the insults/degrading slurs were supposed to make me a man!. In the 1950's and 1960's that was what a "father" would do. .... lol little did he know I became a gay queen ...)
I can joke about it now, but at the time it was traumatic!! As time has gone by I have learned to be comfortable with myself and accept who I really am and overlook all the rude comments someone may make. I know it is hard, but you must learn and believe that YOU ARE SPECIAL.... YOU ARE LOVED..... God LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY...RIGHT HERE...RIGHT NOW... AT THIS MOMENT/SECOND.
I hope all this rambling on, has made some sense and that it offers encouragement. Maybe God is opening doors here for you to move away or step out of the situation and remove yourself from being near her. I pray that God gives you signs and opportunities to find peace and to understand his plan for your life.
Every "Good Friday" is followed by a "Resurrection Sunday"!
I was at my wits end and didn't know what to do. Fortunately, a friend took me to work. Yesterday, the car got fixed and I went to work just after my family made it back from the hospital.
