I only “came-out” to my friends about one yr ago, and I really didn’t have any gay friends. So in an attempt to meet other gay guys I started responding and posting on online sites. Well I have had much better luck meeting cool straight guys to hang out with than I have gay, don’t really know why. It is all good, I normally state up front that I am gay and I think I have made some really good friends but there is one problem, I start to have a crush on them. There is one friend in particular that is very comfortable around me, always giving me pats/rubs on the back or out of the blue he will ask me for a hug, he also ends a lot of our conversations with I love you. Now, I know many of these things are just in jest, he has stated from the beginning that he is straight but that does not stop my heart from carrying for him as more than just a friend. Just the other day we had a great time hanging out, he went with me to a local gay coffee house, and we ended the night with a movie at my house. It was very late so he spent the night over. Both of us staid in my room (me on my bed and he was on an inflatable mattress next to my bed). Well, as we got into bed he said “I had a good time today” and gave my shoulder a squeeze, aside from the fact that it is the most boy on boy action I have ever experienced, it made me feel great inside but at the same time sad because what ever is between us will never grow into my dream. I guess I don’t know what I should do. Do I ask him to stop the affection which is the same as what I get from my friends that are girls, do I stop hangout with him even though I have a great time, or confess my feelings to him. He is soooo cute too, and such a nice guy, I really do fear not having a friendship with him but at the same time how much hurt can my heart take. What do you all think?
I don't want to give you false hope, here, but I think I must agree with MamaLisa on this one. I was in a similar situation many years ago, and it turns out the guy was bisexual, but had chosen to ignore his attraction to men until our friendship/relationship sort of "woke up" his bisexuality that he had tried to ignore. So you never know, but this guy could be the same situation.
But if it IS such a situation, you can't possibly question his sexuality or ask him if he is bi when he's already said he was straight. The way to make things like this progress is just to be honest about your feelings. Don't make a huge deal about it; just tell him how you feel plainly and simply- he probably already suspects you are falling for him, since he KNOWS you're gay.
He probably won't come out to you instantly as soon as you tell him you like/love him, but if you confirm his suspicion, he will be aware that "door" is open to him, and he can spend some time in introspection, examining his own feelings/attractions to see if a relationship is a possibility.
So basically, the ball is in your court- if you tell him how you feel, the ball is in HIS court, and you will then have to wait for something (or nothing) to happen on HIS terms. I remember what it's like to be in your situation, and it's not easy. Try not to obsess (if you can help it!).
-Chris
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"I'd place myself... oh... somewhere between Galadriel and Peter Griffin."
I dont know. When ever he says I love you, I think he says it as a joke and is waiting for a reaction from me. I have never said "I love you" back, I usually say "no you dont" and we look at each other and smile. He is always encouraging me to go out and meet guys. I really do think he is straight but we are definitely closer/affectionate than other guy friends. Any way I think I am going to bring the subject up, tell him I may have a crush on him and then make a joke about it so he has the opportunity to let it go by as a joke or talk about it.
I would have to say, let him make the first move. If he is still in the closet, the best thing he needs is a friend. If you tell him how you feel about him, you might scare him off. Rule #1...never go after the straight boys, or boys you might think are straight. In time, if he really is gay, he will come out, and you will be there for him. But if you tell him that you have feelings for him, at this stage in his life, he may not take it well. Unfortunately, I speak from experience on this one.
Take into consideration that there are a LOT of metrosexual guys out there. Basically, guys who are very empathic, sympathetic towards women and their surroundings, who dress good....etc., etc. A lot of men are like this, and are 100% straight. Some guys are just comfortable around people. I have a straight friend who hugs me more than my boyfriend. And he is getting married to his fiance, soon! I wouldn't let my heart get carried away. Some guys do not have as much personal space as others. They're ok with touching, and breaking the barriers of machisimo, straight-acting, sexuality. I don't want your heart to break; however, you're going to have to start telling yourself that he is your friend. Tell your heart that he is your friend, and in that way, you'll only develop a strong friendship with him. I know, I know! It is soooo much easier said than done. I hang out with straight people, with gay people...it doesn't matter. I just hang out with people. :)
Ummm....I hope this helps you. Consider every angle before you decide what you want to do. You could talk openly to him about the possibility of touching you less?? Tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable...? I know that's not necessarily the truth. *shrugs* These ones are kinda tough.
Keep us posted! *hugs*
Darrel
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That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
Thank you all for you replies. I think I know in my head that it will never be more than just a friendship for many reasons especially because I really do think he is straight, but it is still soooo hard. I have never been in a relationship with a guy so this is the first time that I am emotionally and physically attracted to someone that to a certain extent gives me the interaction/attention I would expect from a partner. Did I mention he is soooo cute, Man I really have a hard life LOL.
I have a friend just like that. He's very affectionate and gives off strong "gaydar", but I can't tell if he is or not. I somehow suspect he can't tell either. We don't spend a lot of time together due to busy schedules but when we do it's always very warm. Last time we hung out he took me out of his way to a Thai restaurant next door to a well-known gay bar. He doesn't work nor live anywhere near this part of the DC area but somehow knew that this Thai place (there are 3 within walking distance of his house!) was "very good" as he's been there many times.
All that to say that sometimes they might be closeted, curious, possibly even just super-friendly. It's best to see how this plays out and enjoy the friendship for where it is; in time he might "up the ante", or you'll find someone very special yourself.
