I’m sitting out here on my front porch between my two trees. Although it’s quite warm, the breeze drifting across my skin feel wonderful! Makes me wish my dress was short and sleeveless.
What a difference a year makes!
My life has changed completely. I believe it was a year ago today, during last year’s summer solstice, that I realized that I had a crush on one of the women at my part-time job. Nothing ever came of that really intense crush, but it led to the realization that I was gay. Not just bisexual, as I’d suspected and ignored since I was 12, but lesbian.
Earlier this morning, I drank a fruit smoothie and toasted myself and now, I’m out here communing with my trees and celebrating as I journal on my front porch.
So much beauty has come into my life in the past year!
Angst, too! And sometimes, nearly unbearable stress and anxiety. Some abandonment fear that’s still with me today, since I haven’t come out to anyone in my family. Grief about not being "normal". But I have worked through a great deal of that and I am celebrating the bigger picture.
Coming home to myself. Becoming part of two loving, accepting gay Christian communities (this being one of them). Coming to understand fully that God created me to be gay. Finding an affirming, gay-friendly church. And being blessed by the beautiful, loving, and tender souls I found in many of the friends I’ve made online.
In January, I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first of four times in the theatres. During the months while I was eagerly awaiting its appearance in my southern city, I read the short story three times and cried each one of them! Getting to know Ennis and Jack (and to some extent, Jake and Heath) has changed my life! Their epic love story is the most beautiful I have ever seen! But so tragic that I have been unable to let go of it.
I found an online community of people (about 3000 of us) who have also been profoundly affected by this movie and I feel at home there, as well. Processing that movie, reading and writing fan fiction, seeing some possible "happy endings" related to the characters and the actors, and reading some of the stories of the people in the forum community helped me to decide that no matter how much I identify with "Ennis", I am not going to end up alone in a trailer out in the middle of nowhere, regretting that I was unable to love.
Shelly is my most recent blessing! We’ve been dating now since the beginning of April and we’re planning to meet in person toward the end of the summer or early fall. We're both excited to have found each other and are pretty serious about making it permanent!
Guess I’ll blow a kiss to my trees and head back inside.
Happy Birthday? Happy Anniversary? Not sure what I'm supposed to say, but I celebrate with you! I'm so glad you found your way here. Thanks for being a part of this community.
I'm so happy for you and Shelly!
(I edited your original post because there was a lot of blank space at the end)
__________________
Grace is the acceptance of that which is rejected. ~Paul Tillich
you have come along way baby!! i am soooo proud of you, and so humbled to be able to share this with you! you are such a blessing to myself, and to those that you have touched. God definately knew what he was doing when he created you!
I have known you for about 6 months and I am most proud to call you one of my best friends! You have encouraged and inspired me in so many ways. Your advice was always dead-on and helpful. You are a TRUE ANGEL!
You are an absolute blessing to everyone that you come across!
Shelly-belly is most fortunate to have you as her soulmate.
You are the best! May God give you all you desire. :) I'm quite excited for your upcoming trip. I hope you two have a blast!!!
Darrel
ps: I love the way you write. I could feel everything you were saying...ya know?
__________________
That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
HAPPY COMING-OUT-TO-YOURSELF DAY!!! I have known you for about 6 months and I am most proud to call you one of my best friends! You have encouraged and inspired me in so many ways. Your advice was always dead-on and helpful. You are a TRUE ANGEL! You are an absolute blessing to everyone that you come across! Shelly-belly is most fortunate to have you as her soulmate. May God bless you both in the years to come!
Jeffrey,
What a sweetheart you are!! And a loyal, caring friend to me and Shelly!
Congrats, Jeanine. *hugs* You are the best! May God give you all you desire. :) I'm quite excited for your upcoming trip. I hope you two have a blast!!! Darrel ps: I love the way you write. I could feel everything you were saying...ya know?
Thanks, Darrel!
*Hugs* right back at ya! You are such a sweet friend.
And thanks for what you said about my writing. I love to write!
Hey Jeanine congratulations... I remember how awkard I was when I realized the same thing now a distant past. I do remember witnessing most of your journey! :) But how about your child? I think it was a boy for some reason.. LOL
LOL, so you've been following it? Yeah, I can hardly believe a year has gone by...
I do have a son. He's five. He doesn't know a whole lot about my journey yet.
I know the journey that you have been on. I have been traveling that same road for the past few years, finally coming out to myself and my ex a year and a half ago today. And making the final move to be myself 6 months ago today. So I sincerely offer my congrats to you. It can be a hard journey to get to the point that you accept yourself for who you are, but the peace of mind is unimaginable.
Cheers to you and Shell as you learn to love one another and share in your lives together. My best wishes go out to the 2 of you. You both hold a very special spot in my heart. May your relationship be blessed with many wondrous years of joy and happiness.
__________________
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
