First, my computer printer has gone on the fritz. I can't get it to work. So I told my mom that I may have to finally get a job to get some more money coming in. This leads to big argument between me and her. I finally leave the house to start looking for a job. I put in an application at Wal-Mart. On my way back, I nearly get into a car wreck trying to answer my cell phone in the middle in traffic. By the time I get back home, I am in a VERY foul mood. My mom tells me that my sister is willing to give me her printer, so I go over there. When I begin to pick up the printer, she BEGS me NOT to get a job and stay on disability. This leads to an argument and she calls up her husband crying and acting hysterical. THIS brings him back from work in a hurry, and storming in the door, ready to chew my tail out good...which he later does. After a few rounds of yelling at each other, we explain to him how this whole mess got started. He too says that I didn't need to get a job and that he and my sister had found a place for my mom and me that is only $130 rent. Well, this is the VERY first time that I have heard of THIS! It turns out that my mom KNEW of these plans, but didn't tell me! I apologize to them, and we agree that I need to get out more and start having a life of my own. They even say that they are willing to help move my mom to their new home in the country, so I can find a place of my own to stay. I come back home to talk with my mom and find out WHY she hasn't told me about this. She said that she would NEVER live with them because of my brother-in-law and his VERY foul language (which I can't fault her on), and that she also just didn't want to bother me because I spend TOO MUCH time in my room, with the door shut, on my computer...
TRYING TO ESCAPE THIS PRISON OF A VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY, AND TRYING TO BE THE GAY MAN THAT I AM!
I need prayer. Also, I have decided that if my sister really does find a new place for me and my mom to live, with rent that cheap...I am going to stay with my mom UNTIL I save up enough money to buy a truck with a camper AND LEAVE THIS GOD-FORSAKEN NUTHOUSE FOR GOOD! If I am permanently stuck on receiving SSI/disability, then I am going to get my goverment check put into MY name and start seeing the country. Heck, I might even MOVE IN with one of you guys! I would LOVE to go live in a place where the gays outnumber straights 10 to 1, like the Castro in Frisco, or Fire Island in NY! I want to find the right guy to marry, find a welcoming church that I can serve the Lord in, and maybe even (touch the pearls!) find a place where I can go "skinny-dipping" and NOT feel like a "freak" and a "pervert" for doing it!
I have tasted FREEDOM by hanging around with you guys...and I'll be DANGED before I go back to the HELL that my life once was! I can't come out to my family anytime soon, I'm afraid. But it seems like God is actually finding me a way for me to get out and start having the gay life that I once thought that I would NEVER be able to have...
A life where I can FINALLY start being who and what I am!
So if you have ANY ideas of a place where I can stay AFTER my mom has a place where she won't have to worry about money anymore...please, let me know! I NEED to be with other GLBT people! I feel more ALIVE and REAL being with you guys than I have EVER had being within ANY church! I know that I made a promise to my dad that I would always take care of mom, but it turns out that my sis made the same promise to her too. So now SHE and her family can start helping with caring for my mom. I CAN'T do this on my own anymore! And I NEED to start having a life of my own...
I forgot to mention that the reason why I can't get a job is that if I get a job, Social Security can INVESTIGATE me and ask for me to either GIVE BACK ALL of the money that they have given to me over the years...or do time in prison!
At least, that is what my family SAYS will happen. And they claim that I am "too emotional" to keep a job, and would only hurt someone or myself, and get fired.
They have NO faith in me whatsoever! Even AFTER all of these YEARS of trying to care for them, AND keeping myself quiet about all of the sexual abuse that I have suffered from some of them!
Come to think of it...I'm probably not able to keep a job because of the emotional abuse that I have received...thanks to THEM!
Well Jeffrey, I can definately understand what your going through where your family is concerned. I mean you know because I've told you about it. Believe me, I will be praying for your entire situation...
Steve
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Lamentation 3:24 The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.
Well Tater, this is a crazy and difficult situation indeed. You must feel so trapped!
I don't know a lot about Disability checks etc... one thing comes to mind-- if the checks you're getting aren't even in YOUR name, how could the government get upset about you getting a job? The other side to that argument is that if the disability checks are coming for you, they should be in your name!
But it does sound like good news that there's such a cheap rental opportunity for you, doesn't it? And it's also good news that your sister shares your promise to care for your mom!! That frees up a lot of possibilities for you. ...although I'm sure you thought of that already.
Hmm... so your mom doesn't want to live with your brother-in-law because he has a foul mouth?? What exactly is going to happen when you come OUT to her??
I also agree with your desires to live in a place that's accepting of gays. Right now that's probably what you need more than any of these other things. Seriously-- to be among a group of loving friends-- FAMILY that will accept you and look out for you even if your biological family won't.
So if you have ANY ideas of a place where I can stay AFTER my mom has a place where she won't have to worry about money anymore...please, let me know! I NEED to be with other GLBT people!
Well... I do have a couch you can crash on... but it's not my house, so I can't offer it for any extended period of time, just for a few days. But if you DO go for a cross-country camper trip, you could certainly make a stop here. I could probably find a place other than my house too- the place where I work is a small house with lots of furniture too.
Anyway keep us posted about your situation!
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"I'd place myself... oh... somewhere between Galadriel and Peter Griffin."
You did have a bad day! I think you need to do some research about that disability thing! I don't think I'd just accept what your mom & sister are saying about it. That kind of sounds fishy!
But I'll be praying for you & your situation. Hang in there!!
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Grace is the acceptance of that which is rejected. ~Paul Tillich
i agree with mama on the look into it thing. i know here if you are receiving the cheques while working then its a no no, but if you inform them you are well enough and are going to try and find employment then i think you are ok. but thats here, i am not sure what the american rules are.
my little tater-tot, you are in my prayers, i pray that this all works out for you.
Thanks guys! I really needed to hear all of this! I love you all!
It just hurts me so much to see my family slowly fall apart like this...over NOTHING! My mom worries constantly about money. It's the #1 reason why I haven't come out to her again. I want her to see that if God loves and cares for us gays, then MAYBE she'll loosen up and see that God is looking after her, too. She said something to me yesterday that hurt me SOOOO much. She said that she wished that she had never gotten married or had us kids...including ME! THAT HURT TOO MUCH! I know that she is getting old, and that you have to overlook such tirades sometimes, but it still HURTS!
It is nice to know that if I lose this family of mine, that I will have a SECOND family here at TSA that will take me in and love me as I have always needed to be LOVED!
Chris hit the nail on the head, Jeffrey, and drove it in place, too.
If the checks aren't in your name, go out and get a job. Please don't let your family keep you trapped. You are your own man. Don't let them abuse you, or the situation. I could understand there is so much confusion, and anger, and just lots of different emotions going about right now--but, BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.
(Not me....but, HIM!!!!)
Also, if I understand correctly, your mother and yourself are on disability?? Or just you? And, don't disability checks arrive separately from the SSI income?? Also, if you're using the $$$, and the checks aren't in your name...I'd think that's a more serious problem, than getting a job.
I just want to understand your situation better. I'm praying for you. I want to help. I'd offer you a place to stay--but, the only thing I have here is the shelter.
May God wrap his arms around you, and whisper in your ear, "You are mine.."
*christian hugs* Darrel
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That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
I get disability, but the checks are made out to her FOR me. In the eyes of the goverment, my mom takes care of me because my depression has made me unable to hold a job...which means if I get a job, I will lose the check and possibly have to give it all back to the goverment. But it doesn't really matter...do you know why?
My mom has decided that she WON'T go live either in a small trailer, NOR with my sister in her new house. She wants to stay here with me.
Which means, when I come out of the closet, she HAS to accept me and my homosexuality...or I probably won't be able to speak with you guys ever again, because she will be so upset that she will make me get rid of my internet provider so I can't speak with you "moral degenerates that has corrupted my always messed-up head" ever again!
I am going to come out to my mom this coming Sunday ANYWAY!
I woke up this morning feeling absolutely LOST. I thought that I would be stuck in this house for the rest of my life. All hope of me having a job and a place and a LIFE of my own seemed completely gone. But as I lay there in bed, I began thinking, "What if the ONLY person that is REALLY holding me back from my dreams is ME?" Not my mom, or my brother...just ME?
Then I began to think about what Darrel and Ding said to me last night. I probably WOULDN'T be happy living in a place like San Francisco or Fire Island, where most of the population is gay, but very anti-Christian. I just want to be accepted for being ME. And I don't have to move to some place like those to feel that way. I have already accepted my homosexuality as a beautiful gift from God. So the MOST important person that needed to accept it...already has!
I just want my family to accept me. But if they don't and start trying to "guilt" me into going back to the ex-gay way of thinking, FORGET IT! I AIN'T giving up ONE INCH of ground this time!
So please pray for my family this week...and when I come out, I'll show them to all of you here at TSA!
i pray that your week goes wonderful and i pray that sunday is even more so!! and i pray that when you do tell your mom she is still able to see what a wonderful beautiful amazing son she has!!! actually let me meet her and i will tell her that myself! be well my friend.
I hope everything goes ok, dude. I'm praying for you.
*big hugs* Darrel
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That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
I just got back from the Social Security Office and they said that I AM able to get a job AND get a small check AND keep my medical card! I am going to start applying for a job at other places tomorrow, and maybe even re-apply at Wal-Mart. This is fantastic!
My sister, however, got upset about this bit of news and told my mom that she isn't going to "bail me out of jail when I get arrested". We told her that the SS office wouldn't do me that way, but she wouldn't listen. I have NO IDEA what is getting wrong with HER! I think that the stress of her moving is beginning to get to her. Please pray for her. And thank you for praying for me and encouraging me to fight on!
Congrats!! That is so cool you can get a job!! So what are you going to be doing? Or have you started looking? I will be praying for the job hunt! Good luck!!
I would LOVE to go live in a place where the gays outnumber straights 10 to 1, like the Castro in Frisco, or Fire Island in NY! I want to find the right guy to marry, find a welcoming church that I can serve the Lord in, and maybe even (touch the pearls!) find a place where I can go "skinny-dipping" and NOT feel like a "freak" and a "pervert" for doing it!
THAT HURT TOO MUCH! I know that she is getting old, and that you have to overlook such tirades sometimes, but it still HURTS!
