Yay! This is my 700th posting! So now I bring you...TSA's version of the 700 CLUB...
(the picture turns to an old, senile man wearing a demented grin on his face)
"Hello there! And welcome to the 700 Club! I am your host, Rat Pooterson, and I have a great show for you! No! It's not about anything that's REALLY biblical, but it will be guaranteed to make me-er-I mean you-very prosperous! Is it about anything that's really in the bible? NAH! But I like to think that my words and beliefs are on the same LEVEL, and therefore are just as GOOD! Just give me $50 and I will share this belief in my latest teaching tape: "How to use the Bible to get ANYTHING you want!" I promise you on this never used Bible of mine that I-umm-I mean-YOU will find it to be a roadmap to a never-ending supply of money, deliverance from all of your mental issues, as well as a cure to athlete's foot!
"But now, let's now talk with this young man, who calls himself "a gay lover of Jesus"...obviously a deluded soul that needs to buy my latest book for a contribution of only $90, "Quoting the scriptures until your homosexuality leaves you...or you'll DIE trying!"...a homosexual that "claims" to be a "real Christian"...Mister Jeffrey TaterDead!"
(corny canned-applause is played while the preacher and me shake hands reluctantly)
"It's great to be here, Rat," I say. "However, my name is 'TaterHEAD'. Not TaterDEAD..."
"Oh, I'm certain that you soon will be!" Rat says as he winks shrewedly into the camera, while canned laughter comes from a near-empty audience section of seats. The other camera captures a puzzled look upon my face. "What is your business doing here...you hellbound little sodomite, you?"
"Well...RAT," I began looking a little flustered. "I am here to represent the website, 'Safe in the Shepherd's Arms'. It is a meeting place for gay Christians that can come together as a family and find love and acceptance from the Lord on High."
The televangelists eyebrows raises up, "Oh really? And what part of the nasty liberal GAY AGENDA has thought up this idea born from the back of Satan's mind?"
I cock one eyebrow up. "Uh...there is no 'hidden agenda' with this website...We are just GLBT Christians that want to encourage others-"
"AHA!" The televangelist interrupts. "So you admit that this website is trying to 'recruit' our poor, defenseless and STRAIGHT Christian youth into becoming disgusting little sexual deviants like YOURSELVES?!"
"You didn't let me FINISH!" I try to say calmly. "This website helps other gay and lesbian followers of Christ in their daily walk with God. We pray for one another...we tell jokes...we encourage each other..."
"You rape little kids..."
"We rape little kids...HEY! I didn't mean to say THAT! THAT'S NOT WHAT WE DO THERE!!!"
The televangelist turns to look into the camera and says, "My fellow Americans..."-patriotic music begins to play from the overhead speakers-"...we must DESTROY this SATANIC ATTACK upon this nation's youth! (well...only upon the kids of our rich, white, paranoid viewers) We must cast out from among this great land...that the Lord threatens to destroy with hurricanes, terrorists and bird flu...these TERRIBLE haters of all that is good, Godly and morally STRAIGHT! (that reminds me...I have to tell my wife that I'll be home late from the Chicken Ranch tonight...it's 'whipped-cream & WHIPS' night) That is why you MUST vote for the most far-right candidate for public office!"
"YOU'RE CRAZY!" I interject. "THAT's not the will of God! Jesus never said to do anything like THAT!"
He raises a finger, "WAIT!...I am getting a WORD OF KNOWLEDGE!...The Holy Spirit wants me to lay my hands upon this poor child of the DEVIL...and deliver him from his gay demons!"
"Why are you touching my knee?" I ask. "...and why are you slowly going up my thigh?!"
"Oh dear LORD!" The old nutjob crook screams out to a camera slowly coming down from the ceiling. "Please deliver this wretched FAGGOT from the horrible disease of being gay!"
"Being gay is NOT a DISEASE!!!" I cry out. "AND STOP TOUCHING ME DOWN THERE!"
"And now I command you SATAN..." the lunatic says as he feels for my wallet...among other things. "To release this lost little lamb-HERE'S THAT WALLET!-who wants to go straight BADLY!"
"I WILL go straight...if you don't stop TOUCHING ME!"
"In your name, I pray! AMEN!"
Fake cheers are cued from the control booth, as the old huckster says, "And now we will go to a commercial for my latest creation, LIFE-GIVING FLAPJACKS AND MILKSHAKES, while my fellow parsons help escort Mister DEAD to receive spiritual counselling from an ex-gay counsellor! (who will probably molest him after the latest buzz from his trip to Frisco wears off)"
"NO! WAIT!" I cry out as they carry me into the darkness. "THIS IS WRONG! ISN'T THERE ANYONE OUT THERE THAT CAN THINK?!"
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
Hi, my name is Lisa Kay and I'm here with my pink hair and my little dog, Riley. If you love the Lord, please send in a love offering of $100. When your gift is received, you will receive a lovely bumper sticker and a book of matches. Call now, sniff, 'cause the Lord, sniff, needs your money! Sob, sob. Amen & amen!!
Praise the Lord!
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Grace is the acceptance of that which is rejected. ~Paul Tillich
Lets see, $90 to Raot Poterson and $20 to Lisa Kay, that should leave me 35 cents for gas and groceries - I know that my needs will be provided, Rat told me so and he wouldn't lie to me.
(sits back in my cardboard box eating 3 month old cereal found in the dumpster behind the supermarket) see, God's provided this wonderful bos of cereal already!!
__________________
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
And NO I will not stop posting!!!!! I have a big mouth and refuse to be silenced. You can't stop me. No stay away, no don't take my keyboard, no please, anything but that, no.......
__________________
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
I don't have much time. I am inside of one of the bathrooms in an ex-gay center, and I only have 15 minutes to be in here before "Nurse Ratchet" outside starts to get suspicious!
I am doing fine...so far...I was ushered in here late at night, rolled up like a sausage within a rug. They rolled me out in the middle of a dark room with a single bright light hanging down from the ceiling. Then a man calling himself "doctor Ty" came into view with a clipboard and started to ask me how long I have wanted to go straight. I told him that I was just PEACHY being my little QUEER self. "Ty"-if that's his REAL name-just ignored me and said that I would be escorted to my "room"(more like a cage)by one of the staff. A guy in white grabbed me and locked me up in a plastic prison cell, with a couple of old guys. One looks like Gandalf from those hobbit/ring movies, and the other is sitting in a wheelchair and looks like Captain Picard. They say that they have been trying to use their "powers" to get out of this rathole, but the electric collars around ALL of our necks emit an electric shock whenever we try to use our gayness upon the minds of our evil, but living in denial, captors...
Uh oh! Nurse Ratchet is banging on the door! My 15 minute bathroom break is over. I will have to hide this laptop before the door opens...
Hello again! It's me! I'm stuck in here in "solitary confinement", bouncing this tennis ball against the wall like Cool Hand Luke, at the ex-gay center. Apparently they don't like "break-outs" attempted by the patients here. I tried to sneak out of here dressed up as Nurse Ratchett, but they spotted me in an instant...they said that even with my 5 o'clock shadow, the REAL Ratchett isn't as FEMININE as me!
BUMP! BA-DUMP!
BUMP! BA-DUMP!
I have had a few "sessions" with our "guidepost to straight-ness", Dr. Ty...What a CRACKPOT! He is sooooo effeminite, the only reason why I think that he's no longer into gay men is just because gay men think that he's a WOMAN and stay away from him! He says that my homosexuality is from wanting to run away and join the circus. Yeah...That's it! I have such a thing for clowns in make up, that I want to marry Bozo and get one of those ping pong balls of his into the final bucket on the Grand Prize Game. I asked him if this is the reason why Paul Crouch is married to that Tammy Faye-wanna-be on TBN. Apparently, he didn't like that very much...
BUMP! BA-DUMP!
BUMP! BA-DUMP!
I have met some of the other "patients" (more like prisoners) in here. There is this guy named Scott. He is always wearing this weird sunvisor over his eyes. I guess that he's a gay snowboarder. And then there is Logan. He has the weirdest side-burns on the planet. They make him look like some kind of furry forest creature. You know what THAT means?
It means that these poor gay guys have been here for so long that they are losing their GAY FASHION SENSE! This is TERRIBLE! Losing your homosexuality is one thing, but having to have to wear clothes that come from Kmart...that is a NIGHTMARE beyond all levels of gay terror!
BUMP! BA-DUMP!
BUMP! BA-DUMP!
I am going to keep trying to break out of here. I don't know how, but I have got to keep trying or they will make me do the most absolutely HORRIBLE thing to myself!
No! It isn't being straight...
IT'S HAVING TO WEAR PLAID!!!
I must keep this thread going! I must let the world know how terrible this "gitmo for gays" really is! I just need to keep thinking gay thoughts and remember all of the Judy Garland songs that I have heard...or I will wind up being just like Ty!
JEM!!!!! I THOUGHT I recognized her. SHOWTIME, SYNERGY!!!!!!!!
rotflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
__________________
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
Nurse Ratchet had me in a choke-hold. She/he/whatever was trying to get me hooked up to a machine that will, as Doc Ty would say, "help me to be delivered from my prison of homo-eroticism".
The thing looked like a cross between an electric chair and a sex toy.
Picard and Gandalf were being held by a couple of other guards. And Logan and Scott were in shackles. Things looked pretty bad for us. We knew that it was only a matter of time before we would wind up as messed up as Ty.
That was when I had to do the most awful thing that I had ever done in my life...
I turned to Ratchet and kissed her on the cheek.
She looked at me with disbelief and asked, "What was THAT for?"
I said, "I think that you are pretty FEMININE-looking."
She let me go and began to twirl her hair with her fingers, "You really think so?"
"HELL, NO!!!" And then I used my new freedom to knock her out with one punch!
The guards that were holding the two old guys ran over to stop me, but then somehow "Gandalf" was able to make the shackles holding Logan and Scott to come undone and fly across the room into Ty, knocking him down. Then big long knives came shooting out of Logan's hands, and he went BERSERK on one guard, while Scott lowered his glasses and zapped the head off from the other. Now we were ALL FREE!
As we were running out of the operating room, Ty got back up and yelled out, "STOP! You CAN'T do this! You HAVE to go STRAIGHT! You WON'T make it into Heaven if you DON'T!"
I stopped and let the other guys go on ahead. I then turned back to Doc and asked, "Are you THAT NUTS?! It is ONLY because of the grace of God in Jesus Christ is ANYONE able to get to Heaven! Being GAY doesn't make you any MORE a future resident of HELL, than being STRAIGHT makes you any MORE a candidate for HEAVEN! We are ALL imperfect human beings...We ALL have things about us that are 'too human' to inherit eternity. But, baby, being gay is NOT one of them. Here...let me RE-EDUCATE you..."
And that is when I grabbed Ty into my arms and gave him the biggest and deepest gay KISS that he has ever had! He tried to fight it at first, but the longer I held him, the less he resisted until, finally, he began to hold me back and kiss me back.
I let him go and he said, "I don't know...I'm so CONFUSED! Maybe...if I were to have sex with you..."
And that was when I knocked him OUT!
"I KNEW IT!" I said to him as he was down on the ground. "Your homosexuality is nothing more but a means to USE other guys for sex, just so you can have some kind of 'POWER' over them, and feel more like a 'REAL MAN'! It's THAT kind of 'sin of Sodom' that the Bible preaches against! God, do you make me SICK!"
And then I left...
The other "patients" are all gone now...free to be who and what they REALLY are. Picard, Logan and Scott got into a big black jet that shot off back to their "school", and Gandalf just floated away, mumbling something about having to get back to the "Hobbits in the Shire". And here I am, sitting on a street corner, typing this into my laptop. I am now free to be who I am. I am now-
(a van pulls up in front of me and two guys jump out and haul me into the back of the van. i am chloraformed as they speed off. i awake in a doctor's office, once again. a guy in a lab coat is sitting at a desk in front of me)
"Oh, you're awake!" the guy in the lab coat says. "GOOD! Now we here at the Athiest's Institute of Higher Learning can help to 'fix' you and 'cure' you of that DREADFUL faith in Christ and Christianity that you have been spreading to other gay people on the net...My name is Doctor Cy!"
Ya'll watch out for Chris, he has plans to take over the world of TSA if he can. Protect yourselves at all costs.
__________________
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
HA!!! I knew it, no denial, but instead bold acceptance!!!
__________________
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
Be yourself!!! Don't try to fit into someone else's mold, you won't fit!!! And that just leads to utter misery!!! Live life to it's fullest in Christ's love every day!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
